Personal Greatness

On the way to work Friday, I had a nice
internal dialogue take place.

I was crabbing to myself about not
doing something with my life, as in,
"I'm not going to do something great during,
with, my life, I guess." 

And this part of me did a WTF,
head-to-the-side face, then said,

 "Yea, you are.  You already are. 
You're a fabulous wife. 

You go to work every day and
give them 100% even though it's not ideal. 

You love the stuffing out of your sons, your family. 

You write.  You're humorous and real. 
Um -- that's what life is. 
That's what great is."

[My Love, Ciera's Zebra curtains ... ]

And I listened, and was nodding even! 

It's TRUE. 

That's what "Great A La Toni" truly is. 

 God damn! 

NOBODY else can do any of that like I do,

with my feelings about it. 

"Some great thing' --

it's just another internalized myth,

perpetrated by this culture I live in.

'Great' has to be out there, visible,

quantifiable, blah blah blah.

These myths, I tell ya. 

Damned things!!!!!

They seriously do encroach on happiness,

satisfaction, self pride.

[Zebra curtains, acid green corduroy chair, blue Boho lamp,

all from My Love, Ciera's incredibly cool bedroom]

There's a shitload of great that's gone on,

and is always GOING ON,

in and about me.

Seriously. 

I'm a great journaler, listener,

lover, reader, employee, intuitive, creative,

purger, salsa maker, soulful relative,

photographer (I have the eye),

visual curator/image discoverer.

I'm a great imaginative (my word).

I'm deeply musical, not just

because I love music, but in the way I

process & express -- well -- everything.

I'm greatly humorous, raw, real, alchemical.

I'm a fierce mother at base, DNA, and heart levels.

Ditto Grandmother.

I'm passionate, curious.

I'm resilient, adjustive (my word, too),

seeing, analytical, intellectual.

I'm a great poet.  I'm greatly organized.

My work ethic is exceeding.

I excel at naps, and writing letters, and

apologizing first.

[a shelf in My Love, Ciera's bedroom]

THIS is the stuff of personal greatness.

You see?

So 'they' don't build reality shows on any of this --

not enough bullshit or drama,

I'm guessing --

too much genuine.

I like genuine.

I like it in and about myself.

I don't need a TV show to

know I'm great.

Movement

I'm taking a minimum one-month hiatus from art journaling.

I need to replenish/relax,

see how I really feel about it,

decide if I want to continue or not.

For now, it's my daily written journal and me,

bonding again.

Below:

calming (to me) images from my last few days' stay

at my brothers' place,

what my family calls

"The Ranch".

This was laundry day.

Purity

My Love, Ciera

3, maybe 4? years ago ...

Patio Open Paint

This (how she looks here)

is

HOW

I

FEEL

when I work in my studio.

You?

A Small Renovation

Here is my kitchen.

And here.

And here.

And here.

 

And back here.

And over here.

And out here.

And up here.
 

And that's all I have to say about that.

How Are You?

One of my beloved friends in England

read something on my blog that

prompted him to send me an email,

asking pointedly, "I repeat:  how are you?"

Last weekend, I called a friend in New Mexico,

and he, too, asked directly,

"And how are you?"

Another friend, here in town,

asks me every day in an email,

as a separate subject or line item,

"How are you?"

I'm NEVER prepared for that --

for anyone asking me, I mean.

And certainly I never have an answer.

I struggle to respond.

I guess I could practice by asking myself, huh?

Life as Art:

instead of creating a page, a piece, a painting, a poem,

create the ability to articulate how I feel,

in the moment.

Look in the mirror more than a few times every day,

pose the question,

"How Are You?"

LISTEN FOR THE ANSWER.

Maybe that would start to balance the obvious

conditioning I've experienced in being asked,

perhaps,

but without the chance given for response

or

(mostly)

not even being asked.

And with practice,

asking myself,

maybe I can overcome my conditioning that

"they" (or I?)

don't really want to

know the answer.

A New Year's Day

 

 

My Love, Ciera - Let the Fame Begin

This just in from my Bro', Chris:  'I put Ciera on YouTube.'