Sometimes, I just want to write a piece (or 50) about my take on 'mindfulness', about process and NOW as my 'business', about what to do, feel, believe, when you have a mind like mine, one that is goal-allergic, dream-satiated, and when you're tired of feeling lacking because of it. If we're each here to be our unique, awesome SELF, why is there any feeling of unworthiness attached to getting the cringes at the idea of having, let alone needing, a form of daily planner, a Blackberry, or a 5-year plan? Or of experiencing profound recoil at the idea of A Business? of not wanting a website, a brand, a logo, an assistant, a subscriber list, or any of the accompanying obligations?
What about the legitimacy of being a ... hmmmm ... a Business of One? Which I am. Tending fully to one, me, little=big, editing, honing, perfecting? Visiting on-line blogs and circles occasionally, perhaps -- to glean, to put my toe in the big water, to see wazzup, but not much (or necessarily) to participate? Why do accusations and assumptions follow that I'm 'NOT GIVING BACK'? That I'm hording my gifts?
They are inaccurate and demeaning.
I am essentially introverted, solitary, very very particular about who enters my inner circle and who stays. Who and what. Being this way isn't a claim to operating, existing, out of fear, stinginess, holding back. Where did those declarations come from and why are they perpetrated without challenge?
Thought: NOT needing applause or audience as an ongoing or consistent element of my daily life speaks to me of my core, its existence. Usually when I'm driven to seek either applause or audience (or both) I'm driven by insecurities prompted, resurrected, by reading yet another "out there" focused blog post, article, 'success story'.
I'm not a creative spinster: dry or crackly or lonely or scary -- or SCARED -- because I basically create alone, and for my own eyes.
My activity range is small, by choice. I do what I most want to do, when I do anything at all: journal, family, domestic things, reading, even errands.
My personal interactive group is small, by choice. I attend to those who mean the most, with quality, focus, 'mindfulness' (as defined by me), and my practice of always enhancing, nourishing, the NOW.
My creative projects are few, by choice. I want! to JOURNAL! And be accessible, available, to my inner circle. I've prioritized what I value most to allow me to enjoy creating what I love.
My dream list is nearly non-existent, by choice. My life is the dream, because I've spent two decades of focused 'soul work' learning to let go in order to nourish what I value at my core. I can say YES because I own my own time. Even work is a choice I've made.
My false selves are fewer, and ever diminishing, by choice, by deliberate practice, effort, attention. I want that space for my true self. I want truth, I want honesty, I don't want any hiding, I don't want any fragmenting off onto fantasy/false tangents and wasting precious time there.
Three years ago, I realized what my modus operandi is: Little = Big. Less (activity, people) means exponential improvement on the quality of my interactions everywhere. Much more to work through, explaining all this to myself.
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yes. Was just thinking my version of what relates to this theme as I sat on my deck watching wind blow in the trees. I think we don't see so much of this point of view being exalted or simply validated in a 'documented' fashion because, let's face it, those that do think/perceive like this and arrange their life to reflect their thoughts/perceptions aren't likely to make the time and space to also talk and write about it within a larger sphere of arguable influence. It also seems to me that those who persist in seeing this sort of choice as evidence of fear, emotional or creative stinginess, etc. are doing that which our species does all too well especially here on the internet: projecting. For *them* it would be those things and perhaps also increasingly chronic self-doubt blooming in the absence of palm fronds and hosannas from the outside world. For others it is just as they/we claim it to be: creative, psychic and philosophic homeostasis.
ReplyDeletewow, quite insightful- and this is me, too! (I came here from Kelly's blog, btw)... I recently read a book you might like that talks about some of the same things, titled: "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." I really got more insight into my own introverted habits and personality, and a lot of validation that it's perfectly okay to BE introverted, enjoy solitude, and have a small circle of actual friends instead of 962 Facebook 'friends.' The extroverted personality is what seems to be held up as ideal in today's society, but without introverts and sensitive people, there would be no theory of relativity, no Apple computer company, etc.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm off to explore more of your blog!