Sometimes, I just want to write a piece (or 50) about my take on 'mindfulness', about process and NOW as my 'business', about what to do, feel, believe, when you have a mind like mine, one that is goal-allergic, dream-satiated, and when you're tired of feeling lacking because of it. If we're each here to be our unique, awesome SELF, why is there any feeling of unworthiness attached to getting the cringes at the idea of having, let alone needing, a form of daily planner, a Blackberry, or a 5-year plan? Or of experiencing profound recoil at the idea of A Business? of not wanting a website, a brand, a logo, an assistant, a subscriber list, or any of the accompanying obligations?
What about the legitimacy of being a ... hmmmm ... a Business of One? Which I am. Tending fully to one, me, little=big, editing, honing, perfecting? Visiting on-line blogs and circles occasionally, perhaps -- to glean, to put my toe in the big water, to see wazzup, but not much (or necessarily) to participate? Why do accusations and assumptions follow that I'm 'NOT GIVING BACK'? That I'm hording my gifts?
They are inaccurate and demeaning.
I am essentially introverted, solitary, very very particular about who enters my inner circle and who stays. Who and what. Being this way isn't a claim to operating, existing, out of fear, stinginess, holding back. Where did those declarations come from and why are they perpetrated without challenge?
Thought: NOT needing applause or audience as an ongoing or consistent element of my daily life speaks to me of my core, its existence. Usually when I'm driven to seek either applause or audience (or both) I'm driven by insecurities prompted, resurrected, by reading yet another "out there" focused blog post, article, 'success story'.
I'm not a creative spinster: dry or crackly or lonely or scary -- or SCARED -- because I basically create alone, and for my own eyes.
My activity range is small, by choice. I do what I most want to do, when I do anything at all: journal, family, domestic things, reading, even errands.
My personal interactive group is small, by choice. I attend to those who mean the most, with quality, focus, 'mindfulness' (as defined by me), and my practice of always enhancing, nourishing, the NOW.
My creative projects are few, by choice. I want! to JOURNAL! And be accessible, available, to my inner circle. I've prioritized what I value most to allow me to enjoy creating what I love.
My dream list is nearly non-existent, by choice. My life is the dream, because I've spent two decades of focused 'soul work' learning to let go in order to nourish what I value at my core. I can say YES because I own my own time. Even work is a choice I've made.
My false selves are fewer, and ever diminishing, by choice, by deliberate practice, effort, attention. I want that space for my true self. I want truth, I want honesty, I don't want any hiding, I don't want any fragmenting off onto fantasy/false tangents and wasting precious time there.
Three years ago, I realized what my modus operandi is: Little = Big. Less (activity, people) means exponential improvement on the quality of my interactions everywhere. Much more to work through, explaining all this to myself.