Rain ... Birth

' ... some of us here are real artists.'

'It's difficult to share the visceral and difficult life experiences;

what will the reaction be?'

'My pieces look so stupid compared to .... '

' ... fear ... to post my work.'

' ... loving the class but after seeing the other photos,

I think I'll just continue to lurk in the gallery.'

[comments/responses read in discussions held

at one of my on-line classes]

Emotions I have shared.

Emotions I still share.

Emotions,

I've come to see,

which have been

influencing

my blog, this blog,

Mermaid Tango.

But change - it's been a' comin'.

and 

here it is.

Blogging creates,

in me,

a sense of accountability,

like a promise made,

but going forward I am shifting that

commitment to myself.

I want to create!

I want to create

my own

art,

writing,

experiments,

ventures and adventures,

as my priority.

If I create something to post,

I feel more

viable,

productive,

self-actualizing,

self-propelling.

My blog has felt

increasingly

disassociated from me.

I am the Mermaid,

trying to process

the journey of

my tango,

within and without.

I still yearn

[ Y E A R N ]

to other artists,

and

I still want to engage, converse,

share, learn, collaborate.

But

if I'm not creating anything,

I'm distilling myself

to a mere audience for others.

God help me,

but

I'm terrified

of allowing myself

to become 

A Shadow Artist.

I want ...

[say it, Tonia]

I want to be SEEN,

starting with my own eyes.

A statement met with a

swoop of Takeover-Level fear.

Fear of being responsible

to my own creativity,

setting goals,

commiting to my ideas,

my practice of art and writing.

Fear

of

putting

my

work

out

there.

Fear that

turns my stomach to acid,

raises finger-pointing self-contempt,

animates self-doubt,

tunes up my

self-torturing

Critic Amen Choir.

But!

I

will

not

stop

creating.

Real projects,

with aim,

to articulate my

artist,

writer,

photographer,

mail-art bandit,

collage beastie,

mess-maker,

my

SELF.

I am worthy!

I am

THE REAL THING.

Toni Steps Up.

Toni says,

for all my inner

goblins and spooks to hear:

I AM AN ARTIST.

What I create,

whatever that is,

is what I create,

my best at this point in my journey.

I

am going to

practice

turning the

spotlight on myself.

Reorient

my priorities.

Become my own

Principal Player.

Lift my

head

heart

arms

chin

imagination

voice

soul

in a resounding

YES.

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

featured art work my own,

pieces created

either for

an online class

or

mail art