Thursday, March 11, 2010

Rain ... Birth

' ... some of us here are real artists.'

'It's difficult to share the visceral and difficult life experiences;
what will the reaction be?'

'My pieces look so stupid compared to .... '

' ... fear ... to post my work.'

' ... loving the class but after seeing the other photos,
I think I'll just continue to lurk in the gallery.'

[comments/responses read in discussions held
at one of my on-line classes]
Emotions I have shared.
Emotions I still share.
Emotions,
I've come to see,
which have been
influencing
my blog, this blog,
Mermaid Tango.
But change - it's been a' comin'.
and 
here it is.
Blogging creates,
in me,
a sense of accountability,
like a promise made,
but going forward I am shifting that
commitment to myself.
I want to create!
I want to create
my own
art,
writing,
experiments,
ventures and adventures,
as my priority.
If I create something to post,
I feel more
viable,
productive,
self-actualizing,
self-propelling.
My blog has felt
increasingly
disassociated from me.
I am the Mermaid,
trying to process
the journey of
my tango,
within and without.
I still yearn
[ Y E A R N ]
to other artists,
and
I still want to engage, converse,
share, learn, collaborate.
But
if I'm not creating anything,
I'm distilling myself
to a mere audience for others.
God help me,
but
I'm terrified
of allowing myself
to become 
A Shadow Artist.
I want ...
[say it, Tonia]
I want to be SEEN,
starting with my own eyes.
A statement met with a
swoop of Takeover-Level fear.
Fear of being responsible
to my own creativity,
setting goals,
commiting to my ideas,
my practice of art and writing.
Fear
of
putting
my
work
out
there.
Fear that
turns my stomach to acid,
raises finger-pointing self-contempt,
animates self-doubt,
tunes up my
self-torturing
Critic Amen Choir.
But!
I
will
not
stop
creating.
Real projects,
with aim,
to articulate my
artist,
writer,
photographer,
mail-art bandit,
collage beastie,
mess-maker,
my
SELF.
I am worthy!
I am
THE REAL THING.
Toni Steps Up.
Toni says,
for all my inner
goblins and spooks to hear:

I AM AN ARTIST.

What I create,
whatever that is,
is what I create,
my best at this point in my journey.

I
am going to
practice
turning the
spotlight on myself.
Reorient
my priorities.
Become my own
Principal Player.
Lift my
head
heart
arms
chin
imagination
voice
soul
in a resounding
YES.
Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

featured art work my own,
pieces created
either for
an online class
or
mail art

5 comments:

  1. and your artwork is you and beautiful and honest....
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay Hooray! Absolutely you should be the principal player and regularly featured guest artiste of this space.

    And I heard you shout that, I AM AN ARTIST, from over here in Blighty.

    Stay strong and proud, Sister.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am in agreement,we want to see you the artist

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes! Be an artist, be the real thing. Don't worry about trying to be, just do and be. Salvador Dali said "Painter, paint!" Go forth and do and just keep doing. Put it out there, don't worry about it. You'll fall (of course) sometimes but you'll also get up and keep moving. Get up and move it! Fear no color! Fear no images! Start now!!!!! Trying to be perfect is the enemy of doing anything. The hell with perfection!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love your work and say, "Yes, do it be known not only for who you are, but what you are and what you can do with the talents you are Blessed with!" I am Pro-Antonia Brown = D
    I miss getting my personal previews. I hope everything is wonderful in your life.

    ReplyDelete

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