Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Storyboard Says ...

There Is No Rescue
'J' [a friend] is right -- he's a facilitator.
No one except me can be the practitioner.
I wrote it a minute ago:
THERE IS NO RESCUE.
I don't want to want rescue, either.
But there is help.
Guidance, suggestion,
advice,
opportunity by association.
It's incumbent on me to make use of all that.
Flight or grounding, coccoon or wings -
that choice will always and only be my own. 
If I crave autonomy in the most authentic way,
then I have to do the work myself
Then and only then do I own the lessons,
 and the resultant life,
firsthand.
Saying "yes" is part of that.
Saying "no" is, also.
Oddly, neither is easy or certain. 
Some choices are wholly instinct-driven.
This (above) is not the fantasy I want anymore.
Rescue.
Choice based on safety
or habit
or externally defined
mindsets
and
traditions.
The cost of rescue is
servitude of some sort
to the rescuer.
Safety is a cage.
Norms don't allow
individuation or growth
for any of those involved.
All of it is like
voluntarily
lacing up concrete shoes
&
kissing flight goodbye.
No!
No!
No!
It's not my ambition to be a 'lady.'
I strive to be
A Woman,
of the singular sort:
Me!  Self!
Love me or not,
but retaining my wholeness regardless.
I'm earning that right,
bit by bit,
tiny baby step by tiny baby step,
choice by conscious choice,
walking ahead even with fear in tow.
Fear,
as it turns out,
can be an awesome catalyst,
if allowed.
Yes.
Or no.
MY voice.
It is past the time
to question
everything,
and
to watch
the
real
responses
rise.

3 comments:

  1. your last line, of it being past the time to question everything....OH I LOVE THAT !

    ReplyDelete
  2. You make me think here, Toni...

    I came to a similar realization before we moved from home last year. I knew that I could spend the rest of my life spinning my wheels, or I could make a break for it. Praying for deliverance wasn't cuttin' it. So, we started making plans...

    And now, a year into our freedom ride, I am wondering why I didn't go sooner. I was entirely too young to have taken on so much emotional responsibility. Berg lets me explore whatever creative/futuristic/gypsy plans I entertain. I've changed my mind on what I wanted a thousand times in the past year. And, you know, that's okay. I'm learning a little bit more about myself every time I do.

    You'll always be a furniture jumpin', whiskey shootin', pistol packin', and fierce lovin' bonafide Wild Woman to me, Toni.

    ReplyDelete

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